Confessions of a Chocaholic!

I am a chocaholic and it has been 3 hours since my last peace of chocolate.

The most costly part of being a chocoholic are all the chocolate you have to hide from the kids.

Some of my first memories are the Big Chomps that my dad bought the 3 off us each evening.

As a kid I don't remember not having a chocolate everyday. So I can place my addiction at my dads feet.

I confess, that I am addicted to all kinds of chocolate, I don't have a favourite. Any kind of chocolate will feed my cravings, this warm and fussy addiction.

So I need to confess a few things:

I have had chocolate for breakfast, and for lunch and for dinner. And then in between as well.....

Chocolate Muffins, Chocolate Cup Cakes, Choc Chip cookies, Slabs of Dark Chocolate, a Tex, a Kit Kat, a Nosh bar, a Bar One.....

Okay I lied ... I do have a favourite, CHOCOLATE BROWNIES...

I have sold my soul for CHOCOLATE BROWNIES...

Spirituality and Mindfulness!

Spirituality is about the relationship between ourselves and something larger. Its my relationship with God, Christ and the Holy Spirit.

Spirituality means being in the right relationship with all that is.The most important of it all is Love for all. Christ taught us this.

It is a stance of harmlessness toward all living beings and an understanding of their mutual interdependence.

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

After 40 years I am becoming more aware of the me. My relationship with everything around me are becoming very interesting and my part in our world is becoming important.

My spirituality is my relationship with the Holy Spirit, and being open to the lessons I need to learn.

I don't have perfect relationships, but I would like to try going forward being in each relationship 100%. I trying to be mindful of each experience within each relationship. It is important to me to focus on the person I am interacting or communicating with. 

Having important moments during the day means a better day with better memories.
I believe that the person you are interacting with will feel on some level that they are also important and part of something bigger. 

I have always believed that God's intention for us on earth was to be part of nature and not above nature. Nature is more important than any of us.  I believe that the moment humans starts to understand that being part of nature will bring us all closer to God a lot of our current problems will be solved. I believe that all humans are linked and that we are then linked to everything in nature and I believe linked to the universe.

Mindfulness is smelling your boys sweaty bodies when they get into the car after school, the doggie smell of your animals next to you in bed. The smell of your moms cooking when you get home form school or work. The diesel smell  in the driveway when your husband leaves for work in the morning. Knowing that somebody is thinking of you when you receive an e-mail or a text, just to say they are thinking of you and that they love you. And each of these moments should be enjoyed and treasured. And when it is needed just breath.

I am still struggling with the good and bad thoughts but I will be working on the experience and not judging myself. I do believe that I have no right to judge anybody else or even myself.

So each day I will try to become even more mindful of everything and everybody around me.

I am going to try and be in each moment, so that I can make everybody that I am interacting with  feel important and respected. I want to start living each day and enjoying the special interactions on the different levels and in the different mediums with the people that I love.

To all the men in my life.

"Forever Young"

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
with a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
and in my heart you will remain
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young
Forever Young

And when you finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young ,Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
For, Forever Young, Forever Young

Writer(s): Jim Cregan, Bob Dylan, Kevin Savigar

My Black Dog. (Horrible, horrible depression)

My Black Dog is currently wide awake and following me everywhere, snapping at my heels.

Everybody is talking about Robin Williams and depression, it's a big loss for the world, and it is waking up feelings and thoughts in my own mind, fueling my Black Dog's appetite for revenge. Because I am currently fighting it tooth and nail, trying all kinds of new drugs, and speaking to my Psychiatrist  once a week.

Some days I want to sit at my desk with my fingers in my ears and closing my eyes to try and shut out the world.

I keep on thinking that maybe I would scare the Black Dog away if I ran naked through the streets, screaming all the way.

On rainy days I just want to pull the duvet over my head and never get up.

Tomorrow never really looks better, you just make yourself get up, smile, drink your coffee, take a warm bath, get dressed, do your makeup and wake the kids. Do the normal day to day stuff.

Sometimes the second shift starting at 4pm feels like the end of the world. But I put on my current favourite song, on repeat, and repeat and repeat and repeat. I get into my car, do the mom thing and then reward myself with a big glass of wine. I know it's not the most healthiest way to reward myself, but I really don't care what anybody else thinks, it works for me.

Twenty years ago, it was called Yuppie Flue, and you just had to get over it. No meds to help or a therapist to talk too.

At least now I know it is depression, and that I don't need to get over it, I need to accept it, live with it and then fight it tooth and nail. Fuck my Black Dog. I will not let you bite me, or even lick me, if you touch me I will punch you in the face.

I did not notice the Black Dog creeping up on me because having a baby with reflux, chronic ear infection and colic and then a toddler that has attention deficit disorder that needed to go to school.

But 3 years ago, when my Mom almost died and I had to be strong, the big sister, and the oldest daughter, that horrible Black Dog attacked. It jumped me from behind stood on my back with my face in the mud, I could not breath, but still it stood and stood, keeping me down unable to breath.

My depression manifested as insomnia, and for more than 6 month I did not sleep, I might sleep on the 5th or 6th night from utter exhaustion. And I started to self medicate, anything that might just help me sleep. At least I completely gave in before I could get addicted or depended on any of my self-medication stuff.

I decided to go and look for help, and my Dr was amazing, I am still trying to get the perfect medication for me, and maybe it will always be a work in progress but at least I am fighting my Black Dog.

Having a hubby that understand, friends and family that loves me makes it easier to fight and to get up in the morning.

Friends that really cares and that help to distract me is a huge blessing, and Sisters that loves me makes it so much more bearable.

My blog is also my way of getting stuff out and trying to cope with these feelings and thoughts.

On the days that I might not be as friendly or normal as I am suppose to be, please note that I might be battling my depression.

Just love me please.....

I don't get this....

I don't understand why you drive on a highway with a speed limit of 120km/h at 80km/h.

I don't get people that does not use safety belts, and who allows small kids to stand on the front seat of the car.

I don't understand parents smoking with babies in a car.

I don't get animal abuse.

I don't get why we should eat Brussels sprouts.

I don't get why age in a relationship or friendship is an issue.

I don't get practical jokes.

I don't get cancer.

I don't get deliberate pollution.

I don't get paedophiles, no I hate paedophiles.

I don't get the war in the middle east.

I don't understand why the best possible parents can't have kids.

I don't get why I don't have long black eyelashes.

I don't get very old men with hats.

I don't understand when people don't respond but then complain after the fact.

I don't understand why very few people can see the bigger picture, World Hunger people, World Hunger.

I don't get why the elderly can't be addicted to pain medication, why should they suffer.

I don't understand why people don't save for their retirement.

I will never understand why people will make a U-turn on a highway.

And most of all I don't understand why using your hazards makes everything okay.

I believe in.....

I believe in God.

I believe in love, all kinds of love, true love, unconditional love, secret love, over emotional love, love that surprises you and love that can hurt you.

I believe in paying it forward.

I believe in kindness.

I  believe in Aliens.

I believe in evolution and dinosaurs.

I believe that chocolate is a vegetable.

I believe that drugs are your friend.

I believe the moon landing did not happen.

I believe that animals have souls.

I believe in old souls.

I believe that I could levitate when I was small.

I believe in ghost's.

I believe in dragons and mermaids.

I believe that you don't need to forgive or forget any horrible acts against you.

I believe in soul mates, yes more than one.

I believe in telepathy.

I believe that common senses is a super power.

I believe in parallel universes.

I believe in sunscreen.

I believe in high heels.

41 and Pressed in time.

At 41 I realised that I don't want to be Lucy Jordan. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0NxhFn0szc

I thought that turning 40 would be the end of Ciska. I felt that it was the end of me. Depression/ midlife crisis, it hit me with a 10 pound hammer, hard on the head, more than once, until I sat crying in the corner holding a big glass of wine.

I wanted to be 21 again, I wanted to be young, thin, and rich.

But crying into my wine glass and wishing for stuff from my past will only make me more depressed, then I will need more wine, and that will lead to more crying, and tomorrow I will wake up with red swollen eyes that no amount of makeup will be able to cover.

So I went out and bought a bright red little car, yes it is fast and I drive it like a maniac, have to say that's so much fun.

I started running but I hate running, so I decided I will call it training for the Zombie apocalypse, but I lost nothing, not a single gram, after 4 weeks of running I quite. I still hate running. Now I need to find another way to lose weight. I have decided to wait until the winter is gone. Winter is another reason that I am so depressed, but a glass of red wine helps.

Being young and sexy is still on the bucket list, I am sure I can still be sexy at 41, and I will keep myself young by surrounding myself with young friends, fun friends and doing lost of fun stuff.

This is my blog, its only about me......

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