Rocker Chic Forever!

Feeling the music in my hart, drums beating through my body, and singing at the top of my voice, heaven right there in my car.

Nothing else can lift my spirit like a stunning rock song, playing it as loud as my speakers can go...or a loud as possible in my earphones. Because Rock Music is my painkiller. Rock Music is my pick-me -upper.

My first tape was Queen, my first 7 single, Cutting Crew - I just died in your arms tonight. My first album Bruce Springsteen - Born in the USA and my first CD. Def Leppard-Vault.

I don't listen to Afrikaans Music, and I hate "Boere musiek" and I don't get Jazz.

Yes I had the black bedroom, the posters on the wall and a crush on Jon Bon Jovi...

My first Rock Concert - Def Leppard, others in between,  then  Daughtry and Nickleback and next will be 30 Seconds to Mars, will be missing Foo Fighters but maybe next time.

And for some reason the lead guitarist and the drummer always makes the show so much more amazing. According to some report that is a sure sign of being a Rocker Chic.

My current usb - mix tape are always 3/4 rock music.

My first favorite song, I want to break free - Queen

My current favorite Vox Populi, 30 seconds to mars.

Last week it was Love Somebody - Maroon 5.

My all time favorite Love Bites - Def Leppard.

My kids favorite song, Another brick in the wall - Pink Floyd. (Epic parenting)

My kids know the words to purple rain - Prince.(Again epic parenting).

My kids keep on signing Thunder - ACDC (give me a medal)

When I grow up I want to be Tina Turner or Pink, or Bonnie Tyler, Heart, Cindy Lauper and all the rest of those amazing girls.

Rocker Chic Forever!

Do you even know that you are judging?

I have been struggling lately with people that think they can be judgmental, intrude and even assume that they have an opinion regarding anybody else's life.

I know I am living in a glass house, but I really try not to judge, and I hope that the people that really knows me can say that I almost never express an opinion on how you should live your life. I will accept you for who you are and how you make me feel, because I trust my gut 100%. I have never been wrong, so if I don't feel comfortable around you I will just avoid you where possible, but I will still try to treat you with the respect you deserve as a person.

Don't get me wrong, I am very opinionated about a lot of stuff, but I try very hard to never express my opinion on how you should live your life.

Do unto others that you would like done unto you!

Do we even realize that expressing a different opinion on somebody else's social media post can be judgmental, thinking you have such a right is wrong on so many levels, if you don't like a post ignore it, or unfriend that person. Don't be a bully. But I think 99% of people does not even realize what they are doing.

Anybody that never use swears words, raise your hand!

If you have never done anything wrong, raise your hand!

If you have never made any mistakes, raise your hand!

If you are perfect raise your hand!

If not just shut the fuck up.

Most of the people that don't fit into your box or stay between your lines, might be the people whose integrity is greater than any rule book and whose loyalty is stronger than blood.

"Remember the world is change by your example, not by your opinion."

If we have to show you mercy, then stop judging us!

Perfectly Scared.

I am absolutely perfectly scared.

All the scars I carry on the inside and the outside made me who I am.

Some scars remind me everyday that I am a survivor. Other scars are part of being a women and a mother. And the ones that nobody can see will forever be my reminder of life lessons.

A lot of the scars have faded away and I don't even notice or remember them anymore. But there will always be one or two scars that never turns white or fade away. I have learnt to live with those, but when I am weak and tired, most often when I really don't want to be reminded, those scars will be the only things that I can see or feel.

I have scars on my heart, most have healed but when you least expect it, a similar experience will open it up, and the healing will have to start all over. You need to bleed a bit before the wound can become a scar.

My healing process takes time and I am one of those people that heals very slowly and scar very badly. On the inside and the outside. Maybe the uglier the scar, the harder it will be to open up that wound again.

The self inflicted internal scars seems stupid, but we all have them, those choices you made or did not make, regrets, people that you loved and lost or  people I just had to walk away from, and experiences and special moments that stay with you forever....

Then there are those scars that make me smile, little scars left secretly on my heart.

I feel with my soul, trust with my gut and most of the time love to intensely, and then get hurt so badly that I scar....

For the first time in my life, I wanted a reminder of how strong I am, I wanted a symbol that will represent where I am in my life, a reminder that no matter how many times I get hurt, I will get up and fly again;

I saw this little black dragon, and just new this will be my first tattoo. I am fierce and I am strong and just as magical as my dragon.

My dragon is beautiful and I am wearing it proudly!

My Previous life as a Gangster Chic.

I was a Gangster Chic in a previous life.

I have started to watch Son's of Anarchy and something about the life style is resonating with me.

I am almost 100% sure that in a previous life I was a member of a gang, or as they say in SAMCROW, an old lady.

I absolutely get anarchism: (according to Emma Goldman)

Anarchism stands for the liberation of the human mind from the dominion of religion and liberation of the human body from the coercion of property; liberation from the shackles and restraint of government. It stands for a social order based on the free grouping of individuals" Emma Goldman!

I can see myself in black high heel bitch boots. Riding a motor cycle black as night, dressed in all black leather.

I agree with the social order based on the free grouping of individuals, is it not what we are doing at Rebel 4x4 and EXE 4x4?

The shackles and restraints placed on all of us by society and our peers can get to me. I hate that I sometimes need to kick a habit or friendships and relationships are frowned on, because it is not acceptable in our society, even if we are living in the 21st century, maybe we need that liberation and soon.

I agree that everybody should get a say and a vote. Anarchy does not mean no rules, it means the group will make the rules, and anybody stepping out of line get taken care off. It is still a democracy but the rules are very clear and the repercussions are just as clear. But everybody has your back!

Since I can remember, I have been a Rocker Chic, nothing else did it for me like The Boss, or Queen and Tina Tuner, now I am starting to believe that even at 10 years old I could not get away from my past life.

This might not be in line with everyday religion, but I am more a spiritual girl than a religious girl.
I still believe in family, friendship and the believe that you are doing the right thing.

Confessions of a Chocaholic!

I am a chocaholic and it has been 3 hours since my last peace of chocolate.

The most costly part of being a chocoholic are all the chocolate you have to hide from the kids.

Some of my first memories are the Big Chomps that my dad bought the 3 off us each evening.

As a kid I don't remember not having a chocolate everyday. So I can place my addiction at my dads feet.

I confess, that I am addicted to all kinds of chocolate, I don't have a favourite. Any kind of chocolate will feed my cravings, this warm and fussy addiction.

So I need to confess a few things:

I have had chocolate for breakfast, and for lunch and for dinner. And then in between as well.....

Chocolate Muffins, Chocolate Cup Cakes, Choc Chip cookies, Slabs of Dark Chocolate, a Tex, a Kit Kat, a Nosh bar, a Bar One.....

Okay I lied ... I do have a favourite, CHOCOLATE BROWNIES...

I have sold my soul for CHOCOLATE BROWNIES...

Spirituality and Mindfulness!

Spirituality is about the relationship between ourselves and something larger. Its my relationship with God, Christ and the Holy Spirit.

Spirituality means being in the right relationship with all that is.The most important of it all is Love for all. Christ taught us this.

It is a stance of harmlessness toward all living beings and an understanding of their mutual interdependence.

Mindfulness is a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience.

After 40 years I am becoming more aware of the me. My relationship with everything around me are becoming very interesting and my part in our world is becoming important.

My spirituality is my relationship with the Holy Spirit, and being open to the lessons I need to learn.

I don't have perfect relationships, but I would like to try going forward being in each relationship 100%. I trying to be mindful of each experience within each relationship. It is important to me to focus on the person I am interacting or communicating with. 

Having important moments during the day means a better day with better memories.
I believe that the person you are interacting with will feel on some level that they are also important and part of something bigger. 

I have always believed that God's intention for us on earth was to be part of nature and not above nature. Nature is more important than any of us.  I believe that the moment humans starts to understand that being part of nature will bring us all closer to God a lot of our current problems will be solved. I believe that all humans are linked and that we are then linked to everything in nature and I believe linked to the universe.

Mindfulness is smelling your boys sweaty bodies when they get into the car after school, the doggie smell of your animals next to you in bed. The smell of your moms cooking when you get home form school or work. The diesel smell  in the driveway when your husband leaves for work in the morning. Knowing that somebody is thinking of you when you receive an e-mail or a text, just to say they are thinking of you and that they love you. And each of these moments should be enjoyed and treasured. And when it is needed just breath.

I am still struggling with the good and bad thoughts but I will be working on the experience and not judging myself. I do believe that I have no right to judge anybody else or even myself.

So each day I will try to become even more mindful of everything and everybody around me.

I am going to try and be in each moment, so that I can make everybody that I am interacting with  feel important and respected. I want to start living each day and enjoying the special interactions on the different levels and in the different mediums with the people that I love.

To all the men in my life.

"Forever Young"

May the good Lord be with you
Down every road you roam
And may sunshine and happiness
surround you when you're far from home
And may you grow to be proud
Dignified and true
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you
Be courageous and be brave
And in my heart you'll always stay
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young

May good fortune be with you
May your guiding light be strong
Build a stairway to heaven
with a prince or a vagabond

And may you never love in vain
and in my heart you will remain
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young
Forever Young

And when you finally fly away
I'll be hoping that I served you well
For all the wisdom of a lifetime
No one can ever tell

But whatever road you choose
I'm right behind you, win or lose
Forever Young, Forever Young
Forever Young ,Forever Young
Forever Young, Forever Young
For, Forever Young, Forever Young

Writer(s): Jim Cregan, Bob Dylan, Kevin Savigar

My Black Dog. (Horrible, horrible depression)

My Black Dog is currently wide awake and following me everywhere, snapping at my heels.

Everybody is talking about Robin Williams and depression, it's a big loss for the world, and it is waking up feelings and thoughts in my own mind, fueling my Black Dog's appetite for revenge. Because I am currently fighting it tooth and nail, trying all kinds of new drugs, and speaking to my Psychiatrist  once a week.

Some days I want to sit at my desk with my fingers in my ears and closing my eyes to try and shut out the world.

I keep on thinking that maybe I would scare the Black Dog away if I ran naked through the streets, screaming all the way.

On rainy days I just want to pull the duvet over my head and never get up.

Tomorrow never really looks better, you just make yourself get up, smile, drink your coffee, take a warm bath, get dressed, do your makeup and wake the kids. Do the normal day to day stuff.

Sometimes the second shift starting at 4pm feels like the end of the world. But I put on my current favourite song, on repeat, and repeat and repeat and repeat. I get into my car, do the mom thing and then reward myself with a big glass of wine. I know it's not the most healthiest way to reward myself, but I really don't care what anybody else thinks, it works for me.

Twenty years ago, it was called Yuppie Flue, and you just had to get over it. No meds to help or a therapist to talk too.

At least now I know it is depression, and that I don't need to get over it, I need to accept it, live with it and then fight it tooth and nail. Fuck my Black Dog. I will not let you bite me, or even lick me, if you touch me I will punch you in the face.

I did not notice the Black Dog creeping up on me because having a baby with reflux, chronic ear infection and colic and then a toddler that has attention deficit disorder that needed to go to school.

But 3 years ago, when my Mom almost died and I had to be strong, the big sister, and the oldest daughter, that horrible Black Dog attacked. It jumped me from behind stood on my back with my face in the mud, I could not breath, but still it stood and stood, keeping me down unable to breath.

My depression manifested as insomnia, and for more than 6 month I did not sleep, I might sleep on the 5th or 6th night from utter exhaustion. And I started to self medicate, anything that might just help me sleep. At least I completely gave in before I could get addicted or depended on any of my self-medication stuff.

I decided to go and look for help, and my Dr was amazing, I am still trying to get the perfect medication for me, and maybe it will always be a work in progress but at least I am fighting my Black Dog.

Having a hubby that understand, friends and family that loves me makes it easier to fight and to get up in the morning.

Friends that really cares and that help to distract me is a huge blessing, and Sisters that loves me makes it so much more bearable.

My blog is also my way of getting stuff out and trying to cope with these feelings and thoughts.

On the days that I might not be as friendly or normal as I am suppose to be, please note that I might be battling my depression.

Just love me please.....

I don't get this....

I don't understand why you drive on a highway with a speed limit of 120km/h at 80km/h.

I don't get people that does not use safety belts, and who allows small kids to stand on the front seat of the car.

I don't understand parents smoking with babies in a car.

I don't get animal abuse.

I don't get why we should eat Brussels sprouts.

I don't get why age in a relationship or friendship is an issue.

I don't get practical jokes.

I don't get cancer.

I don't get deliberate pollution.

I don't get paedophiles, no I hate paedophiles.

I don't get the war in the middle east.

I don't understand why the best possible parents can't have kids.

I don't get why I don't have long black eyelashes.

I don't get very old men with hats.

I don't understand when people don't respond but then complain after the fact.

I don't understand why very few people can see the bigger picture, World Hunger people, World Hunger.

I don't get why the elderly can't be addicted to pain medication, why should they suffer.

I don't understand why people don't save for their retirement.

I will never understand why people will make a U-turn on a highway.

And most of all I don't understand why using your hazards makes everything okay.

I believe in.....

I believe in God.

I believe in love, all kinds of love, true love, unconditional love, secret love, over emotional love, love that surprises you and love that can hurt you.

I believe in paying it forward.

I believe in kindness.

I  believe in Aliens.

I believe in evolution and dinosaurs.

I believe that chocolate is a vegetable.

I believe that drugs are your friend.

I believe the moon landing did not happen.

I believe that animals have souls.

I believe in old souls.

I believe that I could levitate when I was small.

I believe in ghost's.

I believe in dragons and mermaids.

I believe that you don't need to forgive or forget any horrible acts against you.

I believe in soul mates, yes more than one.

I believe in telepathy.

I believe that common senses is a super power.

I believe in parallel universes.

I believe in sunscreen.

I believe in high heels.

41 and Pressed in time.

At 41 I realised that I don't want to be Lucy Jordan. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0NxhFn0szc

I thought that turning 40 would be the end of Ciska. I felt that it was the end of me. Depression/ midlife crisis, it hit me with a 10 pound hammer, hard on the head, more than once, until I sat crying in the corner holding a big glass of wine.

I wanted to be 21 again, I wanted to be young, thin, and rich.

But crying into my wine glass and wishing for stuff from my past will only make me more depressed, then I will need more wine, and that will lead to more crying, and tomorrow I will wake up with red swollen eyes that no amount of makeup will be able to cover.

So I went out and bought a bright red little car, yes it is fast and I drive it like a maniac, have to say that's so much fun.

I started running but I hate running, so I decided I will call it training for the Zombie apocalypse, but I lost nothing, not a single gram, after 4 weeks of running I quite. I still hate running. Now I need to find another way to lose weight. I have decided to wait until the winter is gone. Winter is another reason that I am so depressed, but a glass of red wine helps.

Being young and sexy is still on the bucket list, I am sure I can still be sexy at 41, and I will keep myself young by surrounding myself with young friends, fun friends and doing lost of fun stuff.

This is my blog, its only about me......

http://www.pinterest.com/duraanc/