Everybody is talking about Robin Williams and depression, it's a big loss for the world, and it is waking up feelings and thoughts in my own mind, fueling my Black Dog's appetite for revenge. Because I am currently fighting it tooth and nail, trying all kinds of new drugs, and speaking to my Psychiatrist once a week.
Some days I want to sit at my desk with my fingers in my ears and closing my eyes to try and shut out the world.
I keep on thinking that maybe I would scare the Black Dog away if I ran naked through the streets, screaming all the way.
On rainy days I just want to pull the duvet over my head and never get up.
Tomorrow never really looks better, you just make yourself get up, smile, drink your coffee, take a warm bath, get dressed, do your makeup and wake the kids. Do the normal day to day stuff.
Sometimes the second shift starting at 4pm feels like the end of the world. But I put on my current favourite song, on repeat, and repeat and repeat and repeat. I get into my car, do the mom thing and then reward myself with a big glass of wine. I know it's not the most healthiest way to reward myself, but I really don't care what anybody else thinks, it works for me.
Twenty years ago, it was called Yuppie Flue, and you just had to get over it. No meds to help or a therapist to talk too.
At least now I know it is depression, and that I don't need to get over it, I need to accept it, live with it and then fight it tooth and nail. Fuck my Black Dog. I will not let you bite me, or even lick me, if you touch me I will punch you in the face.
I did not notice the Black Dog creeping up on me because having a baby with reflux, chronic ear infection and colic and then a toddler that has attention deficit disorder that needed to go to school.
But 3 years ago, when my Mom almost died and I had to be strong, the big sister, and the oldest daughter, that horrible Black Dog attacked. It jumped me from behind stood on my back with my face in the mud, I could not breath, but still it stood and stood, keeping me down unable to breath.
My depression manifested as insomnia, and for more than 6 month I did not sleep, I might sleep on the 5th or 6th night from utter exhaustion. And I started to self medicate, anything that might just help me sleep. At least I completely gave in before I could get addicted or depended on any of my self-medication stuff.
I decided to go and look for help, and my Dr was amazing, I am still trying to get the perfect medication for me, and maybe it will always be a work in progress but at least I am fighting my Black Dog.
Having a hubby that understand, friends and family that loves me makes it easier to fight and to get up in the morning.
Friends that really cares and that help to distract me is a huge blessing, and Sisters that loves me makes it so much more bearable.
My blog is also my way of getting stuff out and trying to cope with these feelings and thoughts.
On the days that I might not be as friendly or normal as I am suppose to be, please note that I might be battling my depression.
Just love me please.....
No comments:
Post a Comment